Life Beyond Religion

May 27

Making Peace with Moving On

Considering a move away from a religion or a faith community can be a profoundly challenging time in life. For some individuals, the faith that helped them understand the world may slip away and the complex and nuanced world they now face can be overwhelming. Change is scary for all of us especially when there are seemingly “eternal consequences” connected to questioning your faith. It can feel all like too much. People continue to navigate what kind of connection to religion they want to have; often without easy answers. Some center their life on a religious tradition while others decide on distancing themselves from it. Those who are born into a faith tradition and have strong family and cultural ties to it, often have a more complicated time discerning the helpful and the harmful, and when they might need to step away.

This can happen for a lot of different reasons. Deconstruction is often the term used to describe someone taking a critical look at the Christian faith in particular and reevaluating whether or not what it once brought to your life still makes sense to hold on to moving forward. I’ll break down some of the reasons people may choose to step away, and then some important implications and considerations that can result from making a shift in your connection to religion.This can be a hard journey, and having a supportive, non-judgemental counsellor can be vital tool as you navigate your unique path.

Values Change

For some people, looking at the way many churches and religions have historically and in some current-day situations, upheld inequality in the world, such as reinforcing sexism against women, discrimination against gay and transgender people, abuse of indigenous peoples, etc, lead people to feel that their church may not reflect their values. Some people try to work for change within their faith community. This work can be very meaningful for some. Others may find it disheartening and may choose to seek out a new faith community more aligned with their values.

Spiritual Abuse

Some high-control religious environments may use coercive practices to keep people in line and under their control. High-control religious groups such as fundamentalist denominations at times use insolationist tactics such as building fear and mistrust of everyone not in the church (us vs. The World), practicing shunning or discouraging connections outside the church, either through particular social customs or beliefs. Some high-control environments will even praise the faith of individuals who cut off relationships with family outside the religion. Emotional coercion is often a powerful tool in worship services and sermons which can deepen emotional dependence on the church.

Personal Harm to Mental Health

Some high-control religious environments may discourage people from seeking mental health treatment as it could undermine their authority in a person’s life. Therapists may offer understanding about abusive or coercive dynamics in religious systems or relationships. Once a client can recognize these patterns, it’s hard to ignore them. “Don’t trust your heart” or “your heart is wicked” are examples of messages that can be taught. The result can at times bring about a deep sense of shame in a person. A mistrust of your own intuition or not valuing the wisdom of your own experience is a common impact of this type of teaching. Some religious environments may also spiritualize mental illness and reinforce scrupulosity (paralyzing extreme guilt about minor moral concerns) and resulting in compulsive religious behaviour.

Purity Culture Impact

Purity Culture, often taught in certain church environments, is a sex-negative fear-based approach to sexuality. These teachings place all sexuality outside of a heterosexual married relationship as sinful and to be feared. Common myths taught are that masturbation is bad and unhealthy, gay and transgender people can and should choose to be straight or cisgender, and that sex outside of marriage is always damaging. These messages can lead to incredible amounts of silent shame regarding very developmentally normal sexual experiences. These teachings can communicate that LGBTQ+ people are less than and to be suspicious of them. Many women are taught that they are responsible for their husband’s sexuality and it's up to them to make sure their husband doesn't commit “sexual sin”. This confusion of sexual responsibility may lead to self-abandonment in women who may have been taught their needs aren’t as important in the marriage and service to others should come above all else.

To Stay, To Leave, or To Distance

There are lots of good reasons people stay connected to their faith community. For many it is an important and grounding part of their identity. Their social and community support through their church is a vital part of their life and not easy to replace. Family influence can dissuade many people from disclosing their deconstruction; not wanting negative attention or to feel the need to defend their shifts in faith. Many faith communities work to meet important basic needs of people in their community, and joining in these types of service can give people a deeper sense of meaning and love for their neighbour. For some people, theological beliefs have been ingrained deeply within them, and it becomes too hard to envision a life for themselves outside the church. God can be a type of attachment figure for many people and questioning their faith can feel as threatening as losing a parent. It’s no wonder a person’s ambivalence can be so painful and scary. These are some powerful and important factors to weigh and consider.

Relieving the Tension - Making a Shift

The blessings of your faith community, the pain in staying, the fear in leaving, can lead to a difficult internal tension to sit with. It can be isolating because many people in your life will have a vested interest in things not changing. Talking with a therapist who understands this situation is important. You can expect that your counsellor won’t tell you what to do, but will help you explore the tension, weigh out the pros and cons, and support you regardless of where the shift takes you.

Some people may find that there is enough value in their faith community that they choose to maintain their connection. Others might need to walk away to heal from harm they have experienced. People may also find another path, such as moving toward a more affirming religious community that better aligns with their values. Your journey is unique and you can expect individualized support from your therapist in navigating your choices.

Counselling Considerations

Making a shift in your faith or faith community can bring up a lot of fear in a person. Change is hard and the unknown can be daunting. Your therapist can help you identify what your faith community has offered you and is important. Honoring this together and looking for where your needs could be met in the future may be steps to take.
Change brings loss. Grieving what has been lost is work to be done. Many people’s faith and church provided a clear direction in understanding the world. Black and white beliefs feel comforting in a confusing world. Increasing our tolerance of complexity and nuance in a confusing world can be necessary growth.
The beliefs and values don’t just disappear when stepping away. Old messages will continue to get activated when you experience things in life that trigger guilt and shame you were once taught. Honoring where you’ve come from, includes not shaming these learned responses, as well as tending new beliefs and values that better embody who you are now and who you want to be in this world.
Finding meaning in life is a human task, regardless of connection to religion. Working to discover your meaning in a new way may be something you work with your therapist to do together.

Deconstruction can be a lonely journey but you don’t have to walk it alone. There are countless others who have found their way to a place of greater integration and authenticity. If this has resonated with you and you find yourself ready to begin engaging these questions, please reach out to connect with a therapist here at Evans-Carlson Counselling. We’d be honoured to accompany you on this journey.